What We Say
April 21, 2006

Dear Lost Cause,

I am writing on behalf of some very close friends. It is regarding your previous corrospondance with them, and an urgent issue that has perturbed them greatly.

They explained to me how they read your letters once, as they came. The respectful and sometimes awe inspiring words told them of your introspection and the every day qualities that tied you to them and made you human. You were a beacon of ambition, of faith in their nature and their construction and their purpose. The letters made them feel proud of what they were and proud of you, too. They appreciated them very much, I'm sure.

But then the postman must have got a little lost or too busy with other recipients of your notes. Because his occasional deliveries became few and far between. Often, when they got them, there were frequently signs of damage on the paper. Your words were often soaked in something rank, making them blotched and hardly legible, or the paper was torn into pieces (alas, most of the time they still found the pieces in the corners of the envelope but could not, for the life of them, fit them together).

It was also very apparent that the postman was physically changing as well with the quality of your once esteemed letters. He used to smile nicely at them when he handed over the letters so politely. But as things grew worse, his smile became less genuine and (quite frankly) terrifying. He smiled still, but it never reached his increasingly crazed eyes. He was also more rugged and less immaculate than he used to be. In the beginning, when they first recieved your notes, he was a nice middle aged man with golden hair and a tan complexion, twinkling eyes, and quite handsome. But as the mysterious changes transformed him, his clothes became dirty and torn, his well shaven face morphed into a wiry beard beard that grew so thick they couldn't even see his smile anymore. Sometimes, they even mistook him for a bum or a thief and set the dogs out on him before he could deliver your letters.

Then, there was one particular, strange day, when they saw the postman again, restored to his original glory. But when he smiled, he still held his crazed quality. They told me that they didn't think much of it, because he was so attractive once again. They bid him a pleasant goodbye after recieving your letter firmly in tact, just like in the beginning.

But the next day, something even stranger (and very unfortunate) happened. The postman arrived again, and handed the letter to them. They smiled at his pleasant appearance once more, but before they took the letter, he grinned manically and snatched it away. He then took his golden hair in his fist and tore it, with the rest of his skin and his appealing demeanor, off of his body to reveal the rugged and manic man. Only, this time, he looked worse than he ever had. His hair was gray and tangled, his face fat and frantic beneath his bushy beard, and his clothing almost falling off his pale body. He did not give them long to take it all in before he threw the pseudo-flesh at them to mourn over in the doorway, and ran off into the distance laughing. They have not seen him since, but deeply regret that they have not recieved any letters from you since then either.

They have expressed to me that they don't know if you're aware of this, but the time has come where they believe it would be best if you fired this postman and found a new one. Why are they not telling you this themselves, you might ask. They have tried, but they say that all their attempts have produced minimal results. So they ask me to do it for them somehow, since they have fallen into feelings of dispair in which they will dismiss the cause to find you a new post man. Some questions in their minds include:

How will they prove their feelings towards this postman if you cannot see it for yourself?

Where will they find a new post man?

How can they trust that this post man will not change like the last one, and that their efforts are not wasted?

As you can see it is a very tricky one. But since I have the ability to fix everything, I possess firm confidence that I will solve the problem, since they are all at a loss. Do not fear (and I have told them as much also). I will help sort it all out, and soon you will have a completely now, squeaky clean postman, one that will remain as such. I can honestly guarantee it.

In all, I am looking forward to your thoughts on this matter as soon as you recieve my letter, and am eager (as they are) to initiate the procedure that I will undergo to help solve it. Have a pleasant day!

Sincerely,
A Severly Sought After And Generaly-Believed-To-Be Non Existant Individual